The Montessori Way of Guiding Behavior

At La Jolla Montessori School, we believe in cultivating not just academic skills, but also strong social-emotional development. Our children spend the year honing social skills and internalizing classroom limits. We champion natural and logical consequences over punishment, fostering genuine accountability. Conflict resolution and deep respect for both the physical and natural environment are also central to our approach. Our ultimate goal is for students to choose to “do the right thing” not out of fear of punishment, but from an intrinsic desire to contribute positively to the people and world around them.

Teaching these complex social and ethical concepts takes years of developmentally appropriate experiences within a true Montessori environment. For our toddler-aged children, who are still developing an understanding of behavioral ramifications, we primarily use diversion. If diversion isn’t effective, we promptly remove the child from the problematic situation (unless immediate danger is present, in which case intervention is immediate).

As children mature and begin to grasp the consequences of their actions (primary – Kindergarten), we shift our guidance. We teach them to reflect on their behavior and its impact on others and their environment. This begins by explicitly explaining why a particular behavior is inappropriate (“This will hurt others,” “This will break things”).

Should the behavior continue, the Guide will gently state, “If you continue to… (e.g., yell, throw), you will lose the privilege to continue with that activity, because we don’t… (e.g., hurt, break, throw).” If the child still chooses to continue, the Guide will then explain, “You have lost the privilege to… because even though I have asked you to stop, you have not respected my wishes and the needs of your friends.” The child is then removed from the situation. Of course, direct intervention is always immediate in dangerous situations.

Notice that we do not force young children to say “sorry.” We believe that requiring a forced apology can often teach children that “sorry” is merely a “get out of jail free card.” For instance, if Johnny hits Jose’s nose and is forced to say “sorry” and then immediately praised, he learns only that saying the word resolves his trouble, not compassion or genuine responsibility. In Montessori schools, teaching a child to say “sorry” is reserved for when the child genuinely feels remorse for their actions. It’s crucial that, even if a child is too young to understand the full consequences, hurtful or destructive behavior is never allowed to continue.

Cultivating Internalized Justice (Around Age Six)

Children develop a strong awareness of “truth and justice.” The Montessori classroom leverages this natural desire for fairness by encouraging them to think before they act and consider the “big picture.” Children who were previously told, “I won’t let you throw the materials because they will break,” are now asked, “Why don’t we throw materials?” This approach helps them internalize the ramifications of their behavior. At this stage, natural and logical consequences are utilized whenever possible – whether it’s cleaning up their own messes, working to replace broken materials, or understanding why they cannot play with children they have harmed.

The Montessori Difference During the Primary – Kindergarten Program: Intrinsic Motivation Over External Rewards

Crucially, we shy away from punishment. Punishment, such as forcing a child to copy sentences for not completing homework, only teaches avoidance out of fear, not out of an understanding of the greater good. Furthermore, using educational tools (like books or writing) as punishment can negatively associate those beautiful resources with negative experiences. These are some of the Benefits of a Montessori Primary Program (3-6 years) and why it’s so important for children to continue their Montessori educational journey through the end of Kindergarten.

Similarly, we do not believe in rewarding appropriate behavior with stickers or stars. We believe that such external rewards can create a motivation that, in adulthood, may lead to dependence on external validation for self-worth and decision-making. Instead, we teach children to reflect upon their behavior and its influence on the world around them. By empowering children to be proud of their genuine accomplishments, independent of praise or approval from others, they learn to find their rewards within themselves. This self-reliance and intrinsic motivation is truly what we desire for our little ones.